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G.I. Joe - The Rise of the Cobra (2009)

G.I. Joe – The Rise of the Cobra (2009)

When I saw this movie, I was still in high school and I loved it. I thought it was the shit. Last night, however, when I re-watched it with my mom, oh, the loathing! It grew as the movie prolonged and I began to hate it with every fiber of my being. Here are some tweets I sent out to introduce you to what I’m going get at here:




… but if I end up going, it means curiosity got the better of me. I will probably use my evil mind to utterly destroy it. I mean, aside from the sexism, there were plenty of things that simply contradicted with reality in the first movie. For example, after the Joe’s get attacked at their base, that red-head has bruises on her face and neck. Five minutes later, they’re on their way to Paris to fight the bad guys and there are no battle marks on her at all. What, did she magically heal within the last 24-hours? Is she related to Wolverine? I don’t think so!

This might be a sci-fi/action movie, but for the love of cinematic features, where the fuck were the make-up artists that day? How hard is it to do a few touch-ups on her face? On anyone’s face for that matter. How come the other guys come out of the fight without a scratch? Everyone else gets hurt or killed, the base is crumbling down, the general’s assistant gets a friggin’ army blade rammed through her torso, but no, the heroes don’t have so much as a black eye.

Then there’s the scene in which the protagonist is fighting in Afghanistan with his fiancee’s brother that makes no sense to me. When they realize that the jets are going to drop a bomb or missile or whatever that is on that specific building where the brother is, the protagonist runs towards it to save him. He is about fifteen feet away when the building explodes and all that happens is that he flies backwards and gets some bruises on his face. On that distance, the blast would have killed him. Obviously, there wouldn’t be a movie if he had, but seriously, there needs to be some ounce of logic. The movie is ridiculous as it is.

I might just go see G.I.Joe – Retaliation after all and do a review on it. Hopefully, they have considered their previous mistakes and learned from them. If the movie ends up sucking, well, at least there’s Bruce Willis.

**This blog entry was written for ‘Writing for Mass Media,’ JRN202, at Central Michigan University.